Toddler War part 1

Today was war! I mean brain bashing, river of blood and guts war. I had three simple chores today; clean my house, get my paycheck, and renew my bus pass. Simple,yes? Should of only taken half the day. Oh but wait I have the kids still thanks to a pink eye epidemic. I swear toddlers are evil teenagers without all the yapping.

Let us start this rant off with the first battle, my poor house. Last night I noticed that my floor was a little on the ewwwwww side, and after finding the cheeto cool-aid mixture I decided to do a clean run in the morning. So this morning I grab my weapons, and got to work on the hell that has become my house. I slash through the dish imps, hacked through the dirty demons that were invading my counters, tables and chairs, and I tackled the floor devil. I then head up stairs to repeat this war with the bathroom witches. Before I even get to the toilet I hear one of my boys toddle down the stairs. I follow after him and come to a clean murder. That lovely boy spread poo, milk, eggs, flour, and frosting all over the place. I wanted to do some evil things to that child, but in the end I settled on time out time and forcing him to help reclean the house.

At this point I am 2 hours behind schedule, I haven't had breakfast, and I get to carry scream one and scream two around today...yip freakin pee. So do I get to have happy kids for this 90 min commute? Nope I get a child who decides to complain at everything. I have him sit on the seat near the window he bitches. We get off at Walmart to take a bus break he bitches. As we head out of Walmart he tosses himself to the floor, and without saying a word I pick him up by the belt loops and carry him out the door like a sack of groceries. I am smiling at this point because people are actually cheering. Sorry buddy bear you want to act like a brat I'm gonna act like a bigger brat. The best thing was is after a few minutes he actually said " I'll stop acting like a brat", and he did for a few minutes.

By the time I got my check it was 4pm, and I had one errand left. So I do what I do best...I put it off til tomorrow. Do I feel bad about it? Hell no! Out of the three chores I had today my bus pass was the one I could throw out. I think with everything that went on today I did pretty good, and besides I won the war. The little darlings are passed out, one kid is well enough to go back to daycare, and I have 64oz of pure caffiene in my lap....yay!

This round of caffiene is on me ^.^

Bad Thoughts Does Not Make You a Bad Parent

This week I have had the pleasure of having my lovely boys all week, and like any normal parent I want to gouge my ever loving eyes out. That's right I said it. If you are a parent it is normal to want to take out yourself, your family, and anyone within a 10 mile radius. As long as you don't act on it you're golden. Which brings me to my rant of the day society is one of the reason people drown their kids in the tub.

Now I am not saying that society is the only reason that things like offspring drownings happen, but how many parents could get the help they need if they didn't feel like a monster for telling people they have thoughts about shoving their child's dinner down their throat. I've been there, and I've tried everything from breathing to send the child to bed without dinner. I will be honest their have been times where I thought about beating the child's bio-dad with the child himself. Is that evil of me? Eh jury is still out on that. I am; however, sick and tired of people acting like the gosh damn Brady Bunch. I am sorry but if you are not having homicidal thoughts about people(your kids or otherwise) then you are heavily medicated, and if that works for you then "GRRRRRRRREEEEAAAT!!!". All I ask is you don't not treat the rest of us like shit for having our thoughts. I truly believe if people felt like they could explain what they are feeling about their kids or their life without the fear of punishment or judgement then maybe we could lower the number of incidents. Don't get me wrong there are some sick people out there, but for those of us who are just at the end of our ropes we are just looking for a ear to vent to. Let's face it, people, no matter what the age, will annoy the piss out of other people its in our DNA, and sometimes that annoying rash who just happens to be family does not make them being a rash any better. I means there's a reason we don't think "Hmm. This person really annoys the piss out of me oh I wish he/she was related to me".

So bottom line for the normal parents out there, it is perfectly okay to have homicidal thoughts. Now for a serious thought, if you do find it harder and harder not to act on those thoughts please get help. I am not judging you loves, but I have been there and will probably be there again. Hell it part of the reason I started this blog. I am here to give my views on this crazy coster we call parenthood. I am not an expert, nor do I claim to know it all. I am here to let you know that you are not alone. I and countless others know what you are feeling, and if you ever need the extra support just drop a comment and I will reply to you.

Okay a little heavy today so this round of caffiene is on me. *Hugs to you all*.

Paint, clay, chalk, poo

So when you hear art project your mind wanders to a happy mom helping the happy child making a paper plate mask. Well this is true if you're the brady flippin bunch, but if you're like me art project is a term you use to describe your little mutant's evil behavior.

Recently my 3 year old has been using the toilet like a pro. When I noticed this change I was so happy. My brain was buzzing with thoughts of less diaper changes, one down one to go. I was in eternal bliss, but last night shot a huge hole in my soda can. While cooking dinner, my 3 year old was off in a corner coloring. As dinner progressed I notice a smell that wasn't coming from the stove. Putting the stove on simmer I made my rounds. Two year old...clean. Three year old...three year old? I walked over to his coloring book when the smell pimped slap me. The poor coloring book had not only been abandoned, but turn into a poo filled art project that Andy Warhol would run from. So I did what any poo hating mother would do...I sparyed it with Lysol and tried to exorcise the damn thing. Once I took care of the demonic coloring book I went upstairs to find its summoner. I was getting ready to yell, but what I saw next broke my bitchness in two.

In the bathroom was a very upset toddler, a wet rag, and a tower of soiled clothes. He had been hiding his potty troubles so he wouldn't have to go back to baby pants. Before he could hide the evidence again I scooped him up and explained to him that accidents happen. That instead of hiding them he should let me know as soon as they happen so we can work on the problem. I then filled the tub with water and showed him how to help mommy clean the uh-ohs.

Even though I was pissed at the extra work this caused me, I didn't let him see it. The point is to make him want to tell me, not continue to hide the mess. Plus I know the feeling, when I had preggo uh-ohs there were times I didn't want anyone to know. I think I deserve 2 buckets of caffiene...one for the POO art...and one for being good.

Please dont...oops too late

This morning, after dropping the mutants off at daycare, I was heading to my second favorite caffine fix. I was strumming along singing a song when three idiots got in my way.

Now normally I would ignore the little tykes, but I haven't had my reward in 14 hours( don't start! Some people have meth, I have caffiene). Anywho I am just trying to get a soda minding my own business, and these guys start cat calling. Which by the by guys if you're gonna do this get some original material. Anyways, so I was planning on ignoring them, but the head idiot grabbed my arm. Well anyone who knows me, knows better than to touch me before I've had my sweet caffiene. *SIGH* Sadly these guys missed the memo. Now at this point I am having a classic internal agrument. The naughty in me wanted to snap his arm off at the joint and beat them to death with it, and the good in me wanted to kick this guy in the grapes and pepper spray the other two in the eyes and mouth. Okay so both sides are pretty violent, but I have never claimed to be gentle. So here I am trying to decide which is the quickest way for me to get my drink, when the other two guys noticed the woman cop walking our way. Before mister grabby has a chance to run, the cop grabs him by the shirt. Turns out this guy was this cop's son. I was warm and fuzzy the rest of the trip to my sweet reward...I hope she beats him good.

Here you go cop mom have some caffiene on me^.^

Really? I love you, but I'm out of caffiene

Okay if you have young ones then you've had this happen. You spend a couple of hours making sure your kids have a delicious meal and the little apple dumpling takes one bite of the food and tosses the rest of your hard work on the floor. The as if nothing happened they look up at you with happy eyes "ICE CREAM?!"

REALLY? You really think you're gonna get anything other than my shoe up your little bunnies. Don't you give me that poutty lip I eat those for breakfast with a tall glass of clean that mess up.

I love you, but I will not slave over floor food. So here's the plan I'll eat the ice cream and you can cook dinner. Well at lest I have caffiene to look forward, wait a minute...where are my cokes? You drank them? Ahhhhhhh. 

Nap time blues (introduction)

So the kids are alseep, and there is nothing on tv. Why not mark off some cleaning? Oh I remember why naps last anywhere from 5min-2hours(if I'm flipping lucky). Oh I know I can blog.

Well if you are reading this I want to thank you and to set up some home rules. One, this blog will not be for everyone, and that is fine. All I ask is you don't slam me for my thoughts. Two, if you do love me share this blog with others. Three, have fun and enjoy. Now let's get started shall we.

So the soilders are down for their nap and as I look over the battlefield that is my living room I feel a great sense of sadness. Not because I have to clean this room for the 10th time today, but because I'm in a rut.

Everyday is filled with work, errands, meal prep, and a sea of never ending diaper changes. I feel trapped in this never ending cycle that is single mom hood. Then I see it. The thing that gets me going everymorning, and keeps me from cooking the little turkeys. I love you my dear coffee maker.